I haven’t written one of these for ages. I actually haven’t been watching that often. It’s not that it’s boring, exactly. It’s just I’ve entered a new online house (I’m hated, apparently) and I’m finding that quite time-consuming. We’ve had two evictions, one ejection, one walker, four people threatening to walk, one of whom has managed to upset every person in the house (she’s going to win, then).
Jennifer was evicted last week with the ridiculously low percentage of 90%. Apparently, her voting lines closed a couple of hours early. The latest house bitch (although Rebecca was, by then, in a strong position to take over) did at least consider that her exit was a possibility. But did it occur to Jennifer that she might actually be hated? Oh no. Anyone who voted for Jennifer would only do so because they were jealous of her. For someone who looks in the mirror so often, it’s amazing Jennifer doesn’t see herself better. (No disrespect intended to Mikey and Darnell.)
Dale was devastated to lose Jennifer, and was consequently unable to muster any enthusiasm for the three new housemates – the young and beautiful Sara and Maysoon (a real model, not a pretend one like Jennifer) and my favourite, the delightfully mad theatre director, Belinda-Belinda-Belinda. Dale’s rival Stuart, as you’d expect, was rather more robust about Jennifer’s departure, and thereby saved Dale from being the least interesting person in the house. Sara has settled well into Big Brother life, spending most of her time with her head in the lap of one of the guys. Belinda has also been moving from one housemate to another, imparting misinformation about what various housemates have said. Maysoon doesn’t appear to have done anything at all except have a name that sounds a bit like a type of climate.
Mario was shocked to be evicted on Friday night, but he did make some attempt to hide it. Lisa was there to offer wholehearted support to her partner: rather than believing for a moment that the world might actually dislike her man, she instead suggested that he had to go because ‘the universe is calling them.’ Encouragingly, all her housemates, unlike Brian and Amanda last year, appeared to know what the universe was. But Lisa was not totally wrong. While the universe might not have been calling Mario, it is true to say that 77% of the universe was calling Mario’s eviction number. (I’ll miss you, Mario.)
The percentage might seem small – but it wasn’t so long ago that Mario’s eviction rival Rebecca was in with a chance of being evicted even against Jennifer. Luckily for us, she did not face eviction that week: the increasingly arrogant Rex did instead (yes, we know you're a chef, darling). Like many before him, he committed the cardinal sin of saying those fatal words “I don’t think I’m going.” But at least Rex had the sense to keep quiet about it until Friday.
But, getting back to Rebecca, the young lady who claims to be representing Coventry (Coventry has unanimously disowned her), was thrilled to survive eviction. She expressed her joy so quietly, I almost believed she wasn’t trying to grab airtime. Luke’s jaw dropped so far, he probably needed a spade to dig it out of the ground. However, once Rebecca had got the traditional “Oh my God!”s out of the way, she made a fatal mistake. “I’m not hated! I’m not hated!” she cried to anyone who would listen, and everyone who wouldn’t listen, for that matter.
No, Rebecca. You are hated. It’s just the public hates Mario even more than you.
I don’t think I hate her, though. The poor girl. She probably thinks her ‘showmance’ with Luke is the reason she’s staying. The truth is, if it wasn’t so pathetic, it would probably border on stalking. As usual, it is very difficult to know Luke’s feelings on anything. His opinions change every five minutes. He tells Rebecca he doesn’t fancy her, then says in the Diary Room that he loves her and he can’t live without her. No wonder Rachel can’t express an opinion of her own: Luke has probably sucked her opinions out of what passes for her brain and is expressing them all himself. He’s probably got Lisa’s opinions in there too. Ladbroke’s are probably taking bets on what will explode first: Luke’s brain from the pressure of his conflicting opinions, or his steadily-inflating sense of self-importance.
My love for Rachel has already turned to slightly irritated indifference. I’m sure she and Kat really are as nice as they seem, and I’m glad there are such nice people in the world. But that doesn’t mean I want to watch them on TV. Not that Kat’s last interesting act was great to watch. She cried almost as much over an argument that didn’t concern her as Mohamed did when he was spat at. In some ways, watching Kat was a lot more disturbing than watching Mohamed because at least Mohamed had a good reason to cry like that.
Speaking of Mohamed, he is living proof that nice, quiet people can make great housemates. Mohamed is absolutely adorable, and his facial expression following Mario’s eviction was certainly interesting. It seemed as though he’d brushed the incidents of Fight Night under the carpet, but perhaps it’s not that surprising that Mohamed wouldn’t enjoy watching Mario (who took such good care of him after the spitting incident) being evicted over Rebecca (who screamed in his face, then accused him of squaring up to her). But don’t worry, Momo. Jennifer’s gone, and Dale and Stuart can barely breathe without her help. I’m sure it’ll be okay.
Mikey has become even less popular with the public after allegedly using what is now known as the ‘Emily word’. I haven’t seen the incident, but, as far as I can make out from the outraged incoherence, he was only reciting the rhyme ‘eeny meeny miny mo’. Emily didn’t mean anything by the word – she just wanted to show Charley how cool she was – but she did direct the word at another housemate. I think Mikey was only referring to some of his belongings. If Mikey’s belongings make a complaint, he should indeed be removed. But as it is – it’s only a nursery rhyme.
Darnell, meanwhile, having spent a bit of time as one of the favourites to win, is now dropping in the public’s estimation. Within the house, he has been branded one of the biggest gameplayers by Luke (the pot calling the kettle ‘Emily’). Darnell is an intelligent guy who seems to be interested in people. So it follows that he’d find something like Big Brother, with its mix of personalities, interesting too. But it’s dangerous to be intelligent in the Big Brother house. Clever housemates usually only do well if it’s well hidden. If you’re intelligent, your only hope is to cook an egg for the very first time. Otherwise, you don’t have a chance.
