Big Brother 9: The Build-Up to the Final

I know I haven’t written for ages, but I hadn’t watched Big Brother for ages either, so I didn’t know what I could write really. While Big Brother 9 was a much better series than Big Brother 8 in that there were some very interesting characters, I think the fact that I lost interest was mostly because the tasks that became monotonous. Although Rachel didn’t help.

So I stopped watching for a few weeks, and, when I tuned in for the Final, I was in for a shock. The housemates were all the same, but it was as though I’d entered an alternate universe. Mikey popular? Darnell unpopular? What the f*** happened????

Going back to where I left off, following Mario’s eviction, Belinda-Belinda-Belinda was the next housemate to go. I don’t really understand why everyone disliked her. She was loud and dramatic, but, unlike most loud and dramatic housemates, she often had something quite interesting to say, and you have to admire her perseverance in the cycling task. She might not have got far, but, as Lisa was quick to point out, it was a great achievement for someone who’d never cycled. Belinda probably worked harder than anyone considering the state she got into.

I also think she’s quite a good singer. If only Belinda had been there at the start, the hymns at Mario and Stephanie’s fake wedding might have been almost bearable.

Rebecca was the next housemate to leave. It’s true I’ve spent quite a lot of time hating Rebecca, but she was one of the funniest housemates this year, and perhaps her clearest demonstration of this was in her eviction interview. Much as I love Mohamed, Rebecca’s declaration that living with him was like watching a slug crawling across the floor was hysterical. There’s definitely a touch of the Nikki Grahame about Rebecca, but Rebecca might have been at a disadvantage not being a petite blonde. Nikki was sweet no matter what she did. Rebecca was only sweet when she was quiet.

Maysoon then left via the back door, but I’d watched at least one complete episode without her before I’d even noticed she was gone. Her exit seemed sudden, not only to someone who wasn’t paying attention, but to her housemates as well. Maysoon was a perfectly nice girl, as far as I can see, but this highlights the danger of putting glamour models into the house. I know plenty of glamour models with great personalities, including Lucy James, whose non-appearance in Big Brother 8 was just one of that series’ many disappointments. She’d have won BB8 by miles. But, apart from their deceptively glamorous lifestyle, glamour models are no different from any other contestants. There are people who make good housemates, and people who don’t. Maysoon did not. But the fact that (at least in my opinion), Rachel, Nicole, Sara, Jennifer, Dale, Stuart and maybe even my lovely Mohamed did not always make brilliant TV shows that the problem is with the selection procedure.

The eviction of Luke against almost all his fellow housemates was far from a surprise, even though, within the space of a few days, he’d gone from second favourite to win to polling almost half the eviction votes against about 10 of his fellow housemates. Even Luke wasn’t that surprised to go, as he’d been miserable all week about losing Rebecca – not to mention his catchphrase, ‘No, Rebecca, no’, which couldn’t really be applied to anyone else - and the fact the wannabe politician had fallen for someone who thought Gordon Ramsay was the prime minister didn’t make him feel any better.

But Luke felt a lot more cheerful when he got out of the house, and was reunited with the girl of his dreams. The fact that Rebecca had claimed not to fancy him when she was evicted was soon forgotten as she realised the potential of the union. Soon, the pair were posing in provocative positions for numerous newspapers and magazines. (If you’re an evicted Big Brother housemate, there’s nothing in the world better than a magazine deal or two.)

The housemates were then given a surprise when Rex’s girlfriend Nicole entered the house as one of his special prizes. (Am I the only person in the universe who agrees with Rex that Nicole is gorgeous?) She didn’t make a particularly good impression on the house, crying because she didn’t have any makeup (imagine if she’d been in Week One of BB7! Well, at least Bonnie wouldn’t have been evicted) and arguing almost constantly with Rex.

Nicole was put in a horribly difficult position, apparently without much preparation or thought, and this was very unfair not only on her and Rex but also all the auditionees who nearly made it, many of whom would have been on standby. Putting Lisa and Mario into the house together was different: both had strong personalities, and made a good team, and they’d appeared on a number of TV shows together in the past. They were ready for the challenge of the house, and the audition process (despite having its flaws) had probably showed this. It was obvious from very early on that Nicole was not ready.

Dale and Stuart, meanwhile, had been begging to leave for weeks. Stuart, who was missing his daughter, meant it; Dale just wanted the kudos of having survived eviction – and, no, losing to Luke against a million other housemates just wasn’t enough.

So neither of them got what they wanted, as Stuart was kept in the house, and Dale was evicted to boos. As Dale did occasionally say something interesting (usually related to the male genitalia), whereas Stuart only occasionally said something on any subject, it was a disappointing move from the public yet again. To make matters worse, Dale was nauseatingly reunited with Jennifer. If I’d believed for a moment that Jennifer might actually care about anyone besides herself and her Picasso masterpiece pizza painting, I might not have minded. But as it was, I’d hoped never see that girl again. And there she was, leading Dale astray. Like a little lost sheep and a… dog.

Dale, to put it in your language, the girl’s a cock tease. Stay away. (Note: Dale has obeyed my commands and is now with Chantelle.)

Stuart’s eviction wish was granted the following week – as he was up against Rachel, I ironically would have liked him to stay. Stuart is sweet when he cries over his daughter (his eyeliner must be very waterproof), but what else has he done besides that? He’s so wet, I’m surprised he didn’t catch pneumonia. (Why didn’t I fancy him?)

But at least he’s never patronised anyone. Well, to be fair, Rachel has probably never patronised anyone either. She’s too nice to do something like that. But sometimes it sounds as though she is. I especially don’t like the way she speaks to Mikey – although, he seems happy with it, it has to be said. But the only real shock was that Nicole didn’t face the public vote that week.

But poor Nicole was next to go. ‘Rex’s girlfriend’ – a rather unkind nickname that nevertheless accurately represented her position in the house - was so woefully inadequate as a housemate, I don’t see how anyone could hate her. If she’d auditioned, she’d have been lucky to get through the first round. She was just so pathetic, voting her out seemed like an act of kindness, and the boos were just cruel, like kicking a puppy. (I would have said kicking a horse to be more original, but that’s just too cruel.) Nicole was not prepared to go into the house, and the fact that her boyfriend Rex was there wasn’t a good enough reason for letting her go in. But I’ll always love Nicole for beating Sezer’s record. She was at least a bad housemate. Even the people who dislike Sezer mostly seem to feel he was an effective villain.

Lisa and Sara faced eviction in the week before the Final. It was a week of mixed fortunes for Lisa. Accepting Mario’s proposal might have made her and Mario happy, but the viewers were probably left questioning her taste. Lisa’s sanity has been an issue for quite a while – one of the few episodes I saw showed Lisa attempting to smash her way out of the house, Leo Sayer-style (if there was an issue with Lisa’s underpants, I fortunately remain in ignorance of it). I loved Lisa’s escape (an overreaction to the presence of Nicole, despite the fact that Lisa had just seen her at her best), but it was a little bit odd. Not that I’m saying I wouldn’t do it. But the public nomination process that resulted in Lisa’s and Sara’s nomination probably wasn’t a lot of fun either. Lisa and Sara were then given the chance to win £50,000, but the two opted to share the money. It was a sweet moment, but Lisa did spoil it somewhat by pointing out what a generous person she is.

However, winning money before the Final can put you at a bit of a disadvantage as people tend not to want you to win the prize money as well. Previous winners Eugene (BB6) and Liam (BB8) had to settle for second and third place respectively, and the survivor out of Lisa and Sara would probably be lucky to get that far even without the money.

And Lisa was the unlucky one, losing to latecomer Sara in a close vote. But if she’d been given the choice between a place in the Final and a proposal from Mario, I think she’d have chosen the proposal.

It was probably only Mohamed’s position as Head of House that prevented him from leaving in the final eviction of the series, and it was no surprise that he was one of two housemates who left halfway through the final week. It’s a shame, as he’s a lovely guy. But he was very quiet, and never really at the centre of things, and I think he knew that.

So Mohamed unsurprisingly left the house in 7th place – although he certainly deserved a higher percentage of votes – and, as another housemate followed him, things went a little bit crazy.