Day 22

How could anyone have a problem with Mohamed?

Okay, he might eat a bit more than the other housemates, but that’s nothing in comparison with the behaviour indulged in by some of the others. To me, he seems like a nice, kind, polite member of the household, and one of the very few whom I’d actually like to live with, yet he received more nominations than bossy Rex, dull Dale, two-faced Luke, two-timing Jennifer, controlling Mario, trouble-stirring Dennis – more nominations than anyone else in the house apart from new hate figure Sylvia.

Dale had the nerve to nominate Mohamed for not contributing. This is so ridiculous it’s actually laughable, and were it not for possible racist connotations in the phrase, I would now be talking about pots and kettles. Luke nominated Mohamed on the grounds of greediness, claiming that he does not know what the word ‘equal rations’ means. Last time I checked, Luke, that was two words.

It is horrible when a housemate, particularly a lovely one like Mohamed (although it wouldn’t really be any more acceptable if it had happened to Alexandra) is not only nominated but also ostracised by his fellow housemates. When Rex and Mohamed were sent to jail, they were pretty much ignored. This is in rather painful contrast to the crowds that visited Dennis and Jennifer when they were in the same predicament.

Some have suggested that Mohamed is disliked by the others because he is quiet, non-argumentative, and therefore an easy victim. But this says less about Mohamed than about his fellow housemates. They gave plenty of sympathy to Rebecca and Rachel when they were attacked by Alexandra, but none to Mohamed.

Mohamed is far from an ungenerous housemate. While he and Rex were languishing in jail, the other housemates were given a chance to use their last ‘token’ to free them, rather than saving it for hot water tomorrow. For almost the first time in the series, Mohamed raised his voice, leaning out through the prison bars to shout to the others to save the token. This most of the housemates were only too happy to do. With the exception of Kat (a close friend of both prisoners) and Rachel (who would probably have campaigned for the release of Jade and Charley, never mind Mohamed and Rex), they felt hot water was more important. As wannabe politician Luke insisted on pointing out several times, it was a majority decision. And possibly a fair one – after all, Mohamed and Rex will benefit from the hot water too - but the incident yet again put Mohamed into a considerably better light than most of his housemates.

The fact that the housemates’ dislike also seems to be extended to Rex should probably be addressed as well. It would probably be unfair for me to say Rex deserves this treatment just because I don’t like Rex at the moment. But Rex seems able to tolerate this kind of treatment, and he’s more than able to speak up for himself when necessary. Mohamed can’t do that. The Highlights showed Rex comforting Mohamed as he cried in jail, but they did not show Rex berating Mohamed immediately prior to that.

Rex now seems to be the most controlling housemate in the house – so where does that leave Mario? Well, I can tell you where Mario was last night. In my DREAMS. Can you imagine anything more horrible? The fact he was so nice in my dreams is all Rachel’s fault. He was really kind to Rachel when she sprained her wrist, and she really seemed to appreciate his support when he helped her into the Diary Room. I have to say, though, I made considerably less fuss than Rachel when I broke my collarbone, and I also hurt my knee and had (ewww) blood pouring out of my hands. But (I can’t believe I’m saying this) it would have been nice if Mario had been there to look after me. I do actually think he’s, well, lovely.

Mario was also right to say that only the fittest housemates should attempt the treadmill dance task (poor Rebecca, though), although I’m not at all sure Big Brother should have asked the housemates to do it in the first place. I’ve always thought tasks that compromise housemates’ physical health should be banned – especially as Big Brother is already messing with their mental health to severe degrees. Dancing on treadmills is one of the most stupid things I’ve ever heard of, second only to taking one’s jumper off whilst on a treadmill. (No, that wasn’t me. I’ve never even seen a treadmill in real life.)

Luke went down in certain viewers’ expectations when Darnell exposed his gameplan for all to see. We all know that Luke has a little habit of saying one thing to one housemate and something quite different to another – generally the thing they most want to hear. But Luke looks and sounds so sweet and innocent, and his bitchier comments are usually forgiven on the grounds that they are also very funny. So he has always got away with this.

Until now. Darnell worked out exactly what Luke was doing, and challenged him. Unfortunately for Darnell, he’s not a particularly popular housemate, and Rex didn’t even seem to be listening to what Darnell was telling him. So Darnell’s calm, deadly and accurate unmasking of Luke went unnoticed by all but the viewers - as did Luke’s stammering and trembling lip and complete failure to refute anything.

But the award for Most Pathetic Housemate of BB9 – if not in the whole history of the show – goes to Dale. A few days ago, he decided to show his manliness by having a little bitch about someone. Dennis and Jennifer were his audience; Rex was his target. Dale was so caught up in his eagerness to use yet another phallic metaphor, he completely failed to notice that Rex was sunbathing at his feet. (Jennifer’s frantic sign-language attempt to warn Dale is probably the most exciting thing she’s ever done.) Rex, never one to let a jibe go by, stood up and challenged Dale. Dale was at once reduced to a gibbering wreck (if ‘reduced’ is the right word).

To quote Dale himself, he did indeed ‘drop a bollock’, and Dale’s attempts to ‘wave his dick in Rex’s face’ came to nothing. He certainly cocked up there. What willy say next?

The following day, when he was feeling more courageous, Dale took Rex into the bedroom and explained exactly what ‘talking with your dick out’ means. In more gentile language, it means ‘not practising what one preaches’. Rex was naturally interested to know how Dale had come to this conclusion about him. Dale mumbled that he didn’t think that at all: “I didn’t like know what I was like on about like.”

It’s encouraging to see Dale showing such strong self-awareness. Dale, you never like know what you’re like on about like!

A lot of Dale’s critics think he is gay, and he did much to fuel their speculation when he reached out to grab at Rex’s crotch area. “Now you really are talking with your dick out,” he said. Rex, it seemed, had neglected to do up his fly – but surely there was no need to point this out quite so graphically.

Dale’s other critics, however, feel his love for Jennifer shows homosexuality is quite out of the question. He certainly appeared unhappy when Jennifer started flirting with Stuart, although perhaps it was Stuart he wanted – the same Stuart who has already broken Sylvia’s heart, thus proving she does actually have one.

Dale’s girlfriend and Jennifer’s husband are rumoured to be heartbroken too (although Dale and Jennifer claim to be ‘single’ and ‘a single mother’ respectively). The abandoned partners must feel like they’d been slapped with a wet dick, as Dale would probably say. There’s a word for people like you and Jennifer, Dale, and it’s a word you probably like. It’s ‘wanker’.